Mama, I Love You, But Please Shut Up! T_T

I’ve been having these dizzy spells lately and as my other “spells” go, it kind of freaked out my family.  Anaemia, Low Blood Sugar and Dehydration were mentioned and my father even pointed out that my over-consumption of Doritos and Coke and my lack of nutritious food such as rice and vegetable  was the root of all this.  That and the fact that I only sleep three to four hours a night.  Only a mutant—such as myself could survive this sort of existence, he told me peevishly.  As was my wont, I let him vent. 

But frankly, I’m pissed that nobody ever suggested that I’m pregnant. Hell, I even threw up one morning and nobody squeaked, “OMG, Pines is pregnant!” just the usual, “You should stop chugging Coke all day!”  I beg to differ.  I don’t drink Coke all day, I drink coffee around noon and around three so technically, NOT Coke the whole day.  In my irritation, I told them I was three months pregnant.  Nobody even paused just to let it sink in.  My cousin immediately made a comeback without taking his eyes off the PBA game:  “What are you now, the Immaculate Concepcion? Jeez…just cause you have a Maria in your name…get real!”  My father was busy tinkering with Lola’s alarm clock.  My mother however, was worried.  “It’s Anaemia for sure…” she said, as if bracing herself for oncoming Armageddon.  I rolled my eyes and locked myself in my room.  This not-having-a-boyfriend-situation is really pissing me off.  I should probably just hire a male stripper to aggravate my hardcore Catholic family but I doubt it would end well.  Tried it last time with the rest of my friends but it didn’t work out (that’s another story).

“MAMA, I LOVE YOU, BUT PLEASE SHUT UP!” 

Turns out, my mother couldn’t sleep so without even consulting me, she went and made an appointment with our family doctor. I wasn’t able to do anything except call the office and tell them that I might be late going in or not at all, depends really then I hung up.  Ma, of course, accompanied me because, well, God forbid i should discover a major disease without her.   As soon as we got to the doctor’s, Ma was all chummy with the receptionist.  They’re on first name basis mostly because of me. What with Migraines, Ulcers, Asthma…I frequently visit them.  Anyway, I hung outside for awhile and was dying for a smoke but couldn’t because my mother would raise holy hell when she sees me lighting one.  I could tell she was already filling in Miss Anne about my latest condition.  I decided to go in to do damage control since my mother could exxaggerate when she’s worried.  It may just be dizzy spells but to hear my mother say it, one would think I was dying.

A s soon as I got in, who should I see first?  Not my worried Ma or Miss Anne—But a doppelganger of GAEL GARCIA BERNAL and he was listening to my mother vent on my habits with a smile on his face!  Goddammit!  Didn’t anyone ever told him that listening in on conversations was a bad habit?  But the way my mother was talking, it was listen or go deaf! To make matters worse, my mother would sometimes turn to look at him, as if it was really okay for her to lip about me on total strangers—however gorgeous they might be! 
“…Is it really okay for a twenty-six-year-old female to go lock herself in her room and watch cartoons all weekend? She even sometimes buys herself toys, could you believe that?”  She asked GAEL#2 in her incredulous voice, and the dude just smiled.

On second thought, it’s twice worse if your mother lips about you to gorgeous total strangers! 

 Gael Garcia Bernal

Good thing Miss Anne saw me and said hello.  They all turned to look at me and GAEL#2  gave me a curious look and he smiled. He even gave his seat up so I could sit beside my traitorous mother. I smiled as if my mother just didn’t skewer my reputation.  Miss Anne asked about my latest ailment and I told her about it.  Then she said…
 
Miss Anne:  How often do you experience this spells?
Me:  three-four times a day.
Miss Anne (smiling mischievoulsy):  Do you have a boyfriend?  Maybe you’re…
 
I tried to answer only to be interrupted by my mother.
 
Ma (laughing):  No way she’s pregnant, Anne!  Pines doesn’t even have a boyfriend, the girl’s a virgin!
 
I must’ve groaned aloud because GAEL#2 looked up just in time to see me rolling my eyes.  I could see from his demeanor that he was trying not to laugh.  He even had the gall to check me out.

    * Doraemon T-Shirt:  Check
    * Old skinny jeans: Check
    * Jansport backpack with Son Gokou and Uryuu Ishida keychains: Check
    * Beat-up striped Chucks: Check
    * Samurai top-knot: Check
    * hot pink nail polish: Check

(Sorry for the wardrobe, dude.  I spend my day in construction.  Stilletos does not exactly do well with walking on gravel or climbing scaffolds.)
 
At this point, I was waiting for the floor tiles to swallow me whole…or for GAEL#2 to just disappear into thin air.  Hell, I don’t care how just as long as he does.  No such luck.  But my Ma and Miss Anne thankfully, had moved on to other topics.  GAEL#2, judging from his appearance: Cleanly pressed polo shirt, slacks, polished shoes and a huge black bag, is a MedRep and will probably stay even after I leave.  The dude is there to pimp his medicine. And God Bless those medicines!
 
VERDICT:
 
Anaemic.  And I have a premature heartbeat.  Now, i’ve watched HOUSE and from what i understand, if you have
an extra heartbeat, you’re pretty much fucked.  Probably a tumor in the regions of my heart  where surgery would be tricky and I WOULD PROBABLY DIE.  And as a virgin.
 
Hell, why not?  It couldn’t get any worse!
 
Good thing my doctor assured me that it’s nothing to worry about.  I’m not dying or anything.  Just gave me another set of medication and I’m done.  I have to come back after three weeks for a blood count.

If my mother would not suck the life out me first, yes, I’ll go back.